Chapter XV: Education

Y’all haven’t been hearing much from me lately.  There is a reason for that. I am back in school.  I have paid the money, kissed the ass, made the promises, and was re-admitted to the University of Minnesota as a mid-year sophomore with a history major.  The fact that I am on a not insignificant academic probation… well… yeah. Anyway, I am doing it. I am back in school.

I am also still working.  Not as many hours, but life ain’t free and so, we do what we have to do in order to do what we want to do.  That said, there hasn’t been a lot of time to sit and write these pieces and even less time, and no money, to go on adventures.

But tonight, I have finished all of my assignments, posted all of my discussion board posts.  It is snowing like crazy outside, but I have nice fire in the fireplace and a stiff drink next to me.

Tonight I have time.

So, why did I go back to school?  Honestly, because nothing else worked out. The contracting jobs that I had planned on weren’t interested in me and the only work that I could find was significantly less than I hoped to.

A college degree, I had always been told, by people with and people without one, was just a piece of paper.  Not something on which to judge one’s sense of self-worth or intellect. This may very well be true but I have found that it may be just a piece of paper, a piece of toilet paper.

I’ll explain because I’m sure that some of you are confused, and maybe even a bit offended by that.

Toilet paper is not a big deal at all.  Not something one invites friends and neighbors to marvel in, not something one shows off or makes the focal point of one’s home.  Toilet paper is just… no big deal.

Unless… you don’t have any; then it is a real problem.

And so, I have gone back to school.

I’m not unhappy with my decision.  It is something that I have needed to do for a long time.  I should, probably, have cut my military career short in order to do this a decade, or more, ago.  But I didn’t. It was easier to play the short game. It was easier to just keep spinning up for the next deployment.  It was easier to stay safe and comfortable in my career than it was to push the boundaries and go back to school.

I chose the safe and the easy.

I am paying for that now.

I pay for it with the weird looks that I get when I walk into class.  I pay for it with the snide comments and the jokes that my classmates believe, in their infantile sense of superiority, that I don’t know are at my expense.  I pay for it with the resigned sighs from classmates during classroom discussions and I pay for it with the feeling of constantly playing catch up.

It isn’t easy, and it isn’t fun.  I have zero sense of community with my fellow students, for several reasons, and my professors seem to have a hard time wrapping their brains around me as well.

But for all that, I am doing the right thing.  I know I am. I can feel it.

Yes, it is frustrating.  Yes, it is hard. Yes, it is irritating.

But education, once given, cannot be taken away.  It is, perhaps, the best investment you can make in yourself.

And I am learning.

So much more than you would think.

I am learning humility, in a big way.  And I am learning patience. I am learning to knock some of the rust off of the parts of my brain that haven’t been used in a long time and I’m learning to be comfortable doing things that I’m not good at. I’m re learning the art of becoming good at things. I’m also pushing myself. For maybe the first time in 4 years, I am pushing myself. Demanding more of myself than is comfortable.

I don’t know what it will mean for me.  I don’t know if it will open the door to the job I have always wanted or not.  I don’t know if it will lead to graduate school or not. But I do know that I need to do this.  Not for anyone or anything else. But for me.